LIUTENANT DAN-BOT

When I was five years old I took a couple of my Transformers to school, where very early in the day a "friend" of mine who probably suffered from various and new strains of A. D. D. asked to play with my Optimus Prime. I concented and within seconds he unwittingly and, for the most part, uncaringly broke one of the legs off. He then quickly handed it back to me, gave a quarter-hearted apology and ran off in that annoying way that kids with A. D. D. run. This is a letter to my old friend:

Dear Optimus,

A great deal of time has passed since last we hung out. I'm married now. It's good. She's great. Her name is Aubrey. She's everything I could've asked for. She did, however, steal my Transformers shirt. She says we're "sharing" it, but we both know she stole it. It's okay though because it was a Decepticons shirt anyway. Don't get the wrong idea or anything. I haven't turned over to the other side or anything. I'd never aid those scumbags in their evil path of destruction. You know more than anyone that all mankind would suffer in their reign.
Look, let's just go ahead and address the "elephant in the room." I think we've got some air to be cleared up here. Or I do anyway. I'm sorry for what happened. Youv'e got to know that I would never have let any harm come to you on purpose. I know it's not an excuse, but it's true. Of all of my action figures, you were chief among them, and amidst all of my toys you were second only to Tenderheart. But that's only because I'd known him longer and it was just one of those things, ya' know, where he'd be like "Let's hang out" and I was like "Yeah, okay" even though sometimes I didn't necessarily feel like hanging with him, but he's like my "official" best friend 'cause he's been around so long. There can be no doubt, though, that you were an infinitely cooler toy.
We shared so many priceless moments that will never fade for me. I hope that could be said for you. Do you remember when we built the Destruct-icon together? It almost didn't happen, but you never let up. And no sooner did we build it than you were on the front lines ready to fight it. Sometimes I just couldn't figure you out. I couldn't remember how to bend you back into the semi-truck form or I couldn't get your trailer properly hitched. On several occasions I myself almost broke you, or at the very least threatened to give up on you. But you never gave up on me. And I will never forget the time you stole Megatron's tires off of his Gremlin and put it up on blocks. I mean I was the one who came up with writing "Honk if you have groceries" on the back windshield, but you were the one that really pulled it all off with out his dad hearing. Your'e crazy, you know that?
Anyway, I guess I just want you to know that then and now you stand tall above us all on TWO legs of purity and justice. Not just for Autobots or for other inhabitants of the galaxy but for all man and machines everywhere. I salute you Optimus Prime; even if you now need a wheel chair-icon to get around. You are truly more than meets the eye.

-Ian